Doctor Visits
by RPGWarrior4824
Summary: A lot of time has passed since Ryder was diagnosed with diabetes. The road was long and hard. There were a lot of obstacles and she fell hard, yet Ryder always managed to stand up again. But this time is different. Being judged by people time and again for failing. Empty promises from experts and people who believe they know better. This time Amber Ryder lost hope. It's easier to g


**Note: **

**Today, 14 November 2019, is Diabetes Day, and I've written this fic for this day. This fic goes into one of the times Ryder fell off the wagon and her reason why that happen. It tells her side of the story.**

* * *

Ryder's heart was pounding. Lexi was going to kill her.

_What if I make an excuse? Something can happen tomorrow, right? Then I can miss the doctor visit. No big deal._

She never hated going to Lexi for check-ups before, she didn't love them but that was before her heart wasn't threatening to climb out of her chest before a doctor visit. At least _not _like this.

_Oh crap. What am I going to do?_

_Maybe this won't be so bad. I can keep her talking, or maybe something?_ Something that haven't come up on her mind yet.

"Why am I so bad at this?" she asked out loud. She needed to say it out loud because the walls couldn't answer her back. She wouldn't be able to say it to another person. Saying it would begin a conversation she couldn't have. To the outside world, she needs to be in control. Even to the people closest to her.

_I need to stop freaking out, and find a way to calm myself._

Seconds passed until SAM started to say something, "Pathfinder do you need assistance?"

She blinked her eyes, surprised, and realized she was chewing her nails. _Great, now I'm breaking a habit I haven't done in years! _"No, I'm fine."

"You're heart-"

"I know SAM. I'm just stressed, that's all," she cut him off. She needed to be alone. What could she do to distract herself?

She sat at her desk grabbing a datapad, deciding to try and catch up with some paperwork.

* * *

Ryder needed to finish this report. First thing in the morning it needed to be in. She was so tired. It wasn't long until her brain didn't want to work anymore.

Her hands were shanking, her finger points tingling. Her tongue felt numb, and some way her breathing felt…different. She couldn't explain it, even if she tried. Her energy was all of the sudden gone. Drained. She buried her face in her hands.

_Really?! Now? I have work to do. I don't have time for this. _

"Pathfinder," SAM started to say. She already knew what he was going to say. "I detect-"

"Yeah SAM," she said with a sigh. "I know. Just give me a minute."

She knew it was no use but she hoped she and SAM was both wrong. That her mind was playing tricks on her somehow.

She ordered her implant to scan. A few seconds the implant did it's job.

_2.6 _

"Are you kidding me? What the hell do you want from me?" she wanted to scream from the top of her lungs.

Each step to the Galley was hard. All she wanted to do was go to her bed and sleep for 48 hours. Her sugar has been falling every day for the past two weeks three times a day.

She wasn't sleeping well. Her sugar saw to it. Every morning waking up early. Feeling so hot, dragging her feet out of the bed, putting her omni-tool on and testing her sugar. And after taking care of her sugar. In the morning when she would wake up she felt so tired, almost as if she didn't sleep at all the previous night.

She grabbed a ration bar, eating it as if her life depended on it.

Afterwards not feeling any better, she slid her back against the wall, sitting on the cold hard floor. Her fingers dug into her hair.

She was so frustrated. She wanted to scream, let it all out. But she knew that wouldn't change a thing. Ryder didn't know how much time has passed until she heard someone speak.

"Ryder, you okay?" It was from a familiar accent. _Liam. _She immediately recognized it.

"Yeah," she lifted her head up. She didn't care that he saw her like this. "Just tired."

Liam didn't believe her. She could feel how his eyes shifted to her now trembling hands that was on her knees. "You're sugar fell."

"Yes," Ryder admitted as she stood up and rubbed her hands. No matter how much she rubbed them they wouldn't stop to shake. "It's fine though. I ate something."

Instead of leaving things this caused a frown appearing on his features, "Haven't this been happening a lot?"

_Because everyone knows everything around here. _

This wasn't really a bad thing, but with her diabetics she really wished everyone didn't know everything. It made her feel exposed somehow. She wanted some privacy.

"Don't worry. I got this figured out." This was a lie. She tried. She gave her everything. This is what this cost. No matter what she does she fails.

* * *

She blinked the memory away. She gave up. She knew she did. There was no reason for sugar coating it.

Those days that her sugar fell she got scared. So she made sure to go to the Galley before bed and eat something. Ryder was afraid that one day it would fall so low that she wouldn't wake up.

There were situations. Once or twice Lexi rushed to her quarters begging her to wake up. Her mind was slow. Words didn't make sense like they were supposed to. She couldn't be sure if what she saw was real, or if her eyes lied to her. And she couldn't understand why Lexi panicked. All she wanted to do was go back to sleep.

And now she needed to see Lexi and she was going to kill her.

* * *

"Sit," Lexi said when Ryder arrived at the med bay.

Before coming to her appointment Ryder transferred her sugar results to Lexi. She knew it was coming. Lexi was going to ask her why her sugar looked like it did.

The bed scanner did it's job. Showing her weight, her blood pressure, and her cholesterol. Luckily everything was normal. Ryder let out a sigh of relief. _That's at least good._

Next she tested her sense of feeling but that was normal too.

"So," Lexi said when she was done with all her tests. "Do you want to tell me why your sugar looks like that?"

Ryder's only answer was to blink rapidly. Even though Ryder knew this was coming she forgot how to form words.

"Ryder this isn't the first time. If you don't tell me what's going on I can't help you."

That was true. Ryder knew it was true. But how could she tell Lexi that she didn't see any point in trying when every time she tries she fails. Or it keeps falling, or it stays high. And she sure feels better when it's high than when it's low.

Lexi crossed her arms across her chest, "Are you going to ignore me through this entire meeting?"

Ryder sighed, "I can try harder. I can try to do better." Ryder knew her words was hallow. It was empty promises she would only end up breaking. She didn't know if she said those words for her sake or Lexi's.

But Lexi was too smart for that, "That's what you said last time. You can't come in here and use the same excuse every time. Something needs to change."

The first thought that came onto Ryder's mind was that Lexi probably believed that Ryder didn't take her insulin. And she does. All 5 times a day. "I do inject myself," Ryder was defensive. This occurred when Lexi asked her the first time. She couldn't blame Lexi, though. "Ask SAM if you don't believe me."

"I know you do Ryder."

Ryder frowned, confused of what Lexi might mean. "So, what are you saying exactly?"

Lexi sighed and shifted in her seat. "Clearly here's a problem. Something must be bothering you. Something has to change." She stopped not being sure if she should speak her thoughts. Concerned how Ryder might take this. "You might be sabotaging yourself. It's possible," Lexi said when Ryder clenched her jaw, "that you're not even aware of it."

Ryder couldn't blame Lexi for going there. She had to admit it to herself that sabotaging herself might be exactly what she's been doing, and even though this was the truth she couldn't help but to get angry. Because all of this said one thing: _You're not trying hard enough_. And that was far from the truth, because she tried. She gave it her all. Being ready for anything and everything. Drink the correct amount of water. Follow the diet to the narrow. Take the insulin. For crying out loud she even stayed up two hours later sometimes just because of her sugar. Trying to get it up or down.

But in the end what did it matter? Because her best was clearly not enough. She was tired of trying. Tired of trying and failing. If you fail the whole time what is the use of trying? Ryder saw none so she gave up.

"No, I'm not," Ryder lied. The lie came out easy, almost too easy, and there were no guilt afterwards.

"Ryder," Lexi led out yet another sigh, "I can't help you if you don't want to be helped."

"Do you think I like this, Lexi?" Ryder asked sarcastically. "To feel tired. Having loss of energy. Because I don't." _I feel trapped_, but that something she could never admit to another person.

"What happened?" Lexi went on. "Your sugar levels were so beautiful and then this…" She clearly referred to how high her sugar was.

They couldn't see it. None of them could.

"You're slowly killing yourself," Lexi continued and Ryder hated where this conversation was going. The oxygen of the room were disappearing. Ryder needed out of the room. She needed air.

_Not on purpose_, she answered the question in her mind.

Lexi looked at her again, expecting an answer. And Ryder knew she needed to give her one. "I tried. I really gave it my all," Ryder started. "I've done everything right and do you know what? It didn't matter."

Lexi kept staring at Ryder. Her eyes felt sharp on Ryder and it made her even more uncomfortable. "It fell 3 times a day. Because, either way it's bad one way or the other. Either it stays high or I can't get rid of the lows. Do you know how crappy I felt?"

"Ryder…"

"As bad as I feel now I felt even worse then. And I couldn't do that anymore." _Because I wasn't strong enough. _

"I can help you," Lexi tried, but it wasn't good enough for Ryder.

"No you can't! You're not the one dealing with this. I am." Ryder's heart was beating out of her chest. She was mad but at who? Herself? Her body who she started to hate more and more the longer she was a diabetic.

Before she became a diabetic she never understood how people could hate their own bodies. But now she understood more than she liked to.

Something she learned was that people can't help her. Yes, they can try to be supportive. But none of this they could help with. Sometimes Ryder needed space. And sad to say but that wasn't something the Tempest could give her any longer. She needed a break, she'll never get.

Even if she succeeded again. Getting her sugar at the perfect humanly possible amount again, it will be the same. She'll get excited, feel like after all this time she defeated her diabetics. Because it's under controlled. Those fears will disappear. She will no longer be afraid of the millions of endless consequences of diabetics.

And then…something will happen. She'll get sick and it will throw her sugar off. Or she'll get a lot of lows again until it gets too much to handle. So she'll overeat just like she does right now. Not sleeping well, because something can happen in your sleep.

It was an endless cycle. One she couldn't escape no matter how hard you tried. Fighting this disease, there's never a point where you win. There's never a happy ending. There's just loss, and hopelessness. False hope that will keep coming. Empty promises. Until this disease wins. And sometimes it would be just easier if it would win already.

Maybe other people has it different. Maybe they are better with this than she is. Maybe in this regard they are strong, where Ryder is weak.

Ryder's future looked bleak.

"I just…" Ryder said sighing. She was pretty sure Lexi saw how miserable she felt. Ryder's mask came off without her permission. "Don't worry I'll figure this out."

And even though Lexi didn't say it's the end of their appointment Ryder fled. She couldn't be in that room anymore. If Lexi said anything else she didn't hear it.

Ryder needed to take a deep breath and try again. Until the next failure.


End file.
